"...It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive...I want to know if you can be alone, with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments." ~ The Invitation by Oriah
I saw this poem for the first time last weekend. It REALLY spoke to me. I'm sharing two parts of it here, because perhaps it will also speak to you, but because it deals so closely with my fourteen40 focus this week.
I love quotes and motivational sayings. Seriously love them. Last weekend, as I mentioned in the previous blog post, my daughter and I went to Chicago for a weekend conference. We had some time in the city before the conference started, and we did go to the American Girl Doll store. We had a great time, myself included, and it was definitely a wonderful experience to see her so completely happy. I also kept my promise and didn't do any work while we were away. Win!
The conference we attended is one affiliated by my nutrition system, of which I am a very proud Director and member of their elite athlete team. The conference however, is geared towards personal growth and development, not nutrition (which is why I wanted my daughter to come along). It was full of motivational quotes and sayings, and I'm sure they will make their way on the blog at some point. One of the major themes of the weekend was self-confidence and self-love. Do you like who you are? Do you KNOW who you are? And by "you" I mean, just you. Not you as a spouse, not you as a parent, not you as a co-worker or employee, not you as something you identify with (e.g., runner, dancer, cross-fitter), but YOU.
As a young adult I NEVER spent idle time alone. I'm not exaggerating, I was always with someone or doing something to occupy my mind (working, studying, etc.). I was terrified of being alone with nothing to do. Why? I think I've only just recently been able to find the answer to this. I didn't have a fully developed, and certainly not confident, sense of self. I was never single, I was never bored, and I found myself morphing into a person that my boyfriend (later husband...but that's a whole different story...) wanted me to be. I didn't really find out who Melissa was until I was 22 and I left the emotionally and verbally abusive marriage, and started out on a personal journey that would take years. When I met my current husband (who is an absolute saint and I'm sure I'll do a post about him sometime soon because I think he could benefit from the fourteen40 as well), I VIVIDLY remember being shocked that he went to restaurants alone, went to movies alone, did tons of things...alone! WHO IS THIS MAN?!?! I would eat lunch at work and actually work during lunch. He would go out to a restaurant and dine in...alone. I would stay in and study if I didn't have plans for the evening. He didn't think twice about going to a movie...alone. Why didn't I do these things alone? I was afraid of what people would think. I was afraid that other people would look at me, alone, and either feel pity or think something was wrong with me that I wasn't with another person. For years I never did anything alone.
About two years ago my life was a little nuts and that kicked off what I think of as my current 'chapter'. I started to realize the importance of alone time. I started to notice that I was a much better person when I had some "off" time that allowed me to be with me. And no one else. It was not easy. To be honest it still isn't, but it's getting easier. I have worked at this for a long time, and it's still a work in progress. When my alone time is quiet, I have to work to really focus on nothing because my mind will wander to all the to-do items, wander to work, wander to people that I should get in touch with...and I'm tempted to stop my quiet time and get these things done. Because it's easier to do that, than to sit in silence with myself.
But what's REALLY challenging? Having this quiet alone time in public. Yep, just me, myself, and I in public. Alone. Oh gosh, there's that vulnerability showing. In this current chapter, I've also learned that growth, real growth, happens when we are most vulnerable and uncomfortable. (This is another area we worked on last weekend, and I'm again, so happy Maya was able to learn about this NOW, as a 10-year-old, and not as a 39-year-old.) So this week, my fourteen40 practice was to have my time in public.
Friday I had some personal appointments in between work appointments (the doctor and the dentist). So it was a busy morning and by the time I got to the dentist's office, I found that I was feeling ready for a break. I arrived to the dentist's office about 30 minutes early, just due to logistics and it was too far to drive home or to the office and make it back, so I just got there early. It was a gorgeous day outside; the sun was shining and the temps were in the low 70s...just perfect weather! I pulled into the parking lot and thought how great it would be to have lunch outside; afterall, one of my favorite chicken places was literally next door to the dentist so there was no time crunch. Immediately after I had that thought, the old voice popped up and said "get it to go and eat and work in your car before the dentist". Why? Why not enjoy lunch outside on this beautiful day? Because you're alone.
Well, another thing we learned last weekend is that your brain is made for survival. When it senses "danger" its job is to protect you. It immediately puts thoughts into your mind to move you from the uncomfortable to the comfortable (the safe zone). I also learned we need to consciously recognize this and tell ourselves "No. This is just new, uncomfortable territory, but I'm safe. I can do this." I know this sounds dramatic when you're talking about eating lunch alone on the patio of a restaurant, but to me it was very, very uncomfortable.
So I told myself to be quiet and go order some chicken. Funny, I know. But it was a huge step! I went inside, ordered a meal and even told the girl "just me, for here" when asked. Oh my, so very uncomfortable. Then I sat outside at a table in the sun, alone. I didn't work or make myself look super busy. I sat there in the sun, doing nothing. I took a break. Alone. I sat in that uncomfortable state long enough until it actually felt better. I looked around at the people in groups at the tables around me (Yes, I was the only one dining alone), and they weren't staring or gawking at me: "Look at that weirdo with no one to eat lunch with... What's wrong with her that she is eating by herself???" Nope, they weren't saying any of that. It. Was. Liberating. I had only been there a short while, and I already felt rejuvenated and recharged from my busy morning. It was fantastic. So next, I decided to enjoy a few more minutes of a podcast I had been listening to ("Dirty John" is the podcast and it's gripping) and eat my lunch. I had plenty of time to relax, recharge, enjoy some entertainment, and still make it to my dentist appointment. Filling my cup (and my belly) mid-workday.
So, that brings me back to the poem I shared at the start. "I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments." Can you be alone, truly alone with yourself, and like your own company? Can you be quiet and still and like your own company? Do you know your own company? For me, the answers to those for a very long time was "No" or "I don't think so" or "I don't want to know". Filling our spirits and souls means taking time to get to know your spirit and your soul as YOU. As an individual. It means getting out of the comfortable zone we all live in 99% (maybe even 100%) of our day. It means taking time to push pause on work and busy activities to really recenter and recharge. For me, on that busy Friday, it meant having some of my favorite chicken fingers, in the sun, alone. I even took a picture to document.
Just because you do something alone doesn't mean you're alone or lonely. I have come to believe that we all need this time, even if just a few minutes a day. What will you do in your fourteen40 this week to recharge and recenter? What will you do to help fill your soul, even if it's something that might be unfamiliar or uncomfortable territory? Comment below or email me, I'd love to share some stories to help others that might be feeling stuck in this area. Let's be vulnerable and courageous to commit to time to nourish ourselves. I want you to know you can be alone with yourself and truly like the company you keep. I want you to have a way to refill your spirit in the midst of a busy day. (Even if that includes chicken fingers and podcasts.)
Alone but not lonely,
Melissa
